Spoiled Little Rich Girl

Remember the Disney® cartoon Aladdin?  I could easily have played the role of Jasmine.  The bored princess sheltered in the castle whose father is seeking a suitable prince.  In a nutshell, she disguises herself as a peasant and sneaks out of the castle in search of “adventure”. 

While I am not a literal Arabian princess, I am the adopted daughter of a King. I was the peasant girl He brought into His castle as family. But His plans for my life sometimes conflict with my own.  In fact, His plans quite honestly at times seem boring and not the least bit “adventurous”.

I left the castle at the high point of my Christian experience. I had been privileged to serve on a prayer team with a few core individuals. We would meet as a team an hour before service and prepare our hearts and minds.  I remember a scripture posted on the wall in the prayer room “Who shall ascend into the hill of the LORD? Or who shall stand in his holy place?  He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart.”  (Psalm 24:3-4)   I remember it so well because I had put it there.

But I became too familiar with the whole prayer process and the Holy soon became routine. Our prayer time became silly and self serving.  It was during that time that I was approached by a married member of our team who confessed his “feelings” for me.  This man and his wife held a bible study in our home; their son babysat our son. 

While I was not attracted to this individual, I was unhappy with my marriage and welcomed the adventure.  My husband and I had been recently separated and were in the process of trying to reconcile; when approached by this other man, I resigned myself to consent.  The Holy Spirit tried to plead and caution, but I covered my ears and pouted “I can’t hear you, I deserve to be happy!”

Our sin was revealed.  I left the church and my husband and I divorced.  I was bitter and embarrassed but not remorseful.  “It wasn’t my fault!”   “I was abused as a child!” “He should have known better than to prey upon my weakened state,” I stubbornly reasoned. 

But one day I came face to face with my own accountability.  My marriage ended as a result of my selfish desires.  My son would be raised without his father at home.  That was my choice. I had sinned. It was my fault.  I had traded the King’s stately provisions for a few crumbs and filthy rags.

It has been almost ten years now and I am happy to say God is a redeeming God.  He is able to weave our torn rags into a beautiful tapestry. I am still a princess, but now a bit wiser.  I am content to remain in the castle and live out my life according to the King’s plan.  I have learned accountability is crucial and conscientiously put safe guards in place to avoid error.  I now lead an on campus Bible study for college girl’s and intentionally avoid ministry that involves the opposite sex.  

You see, while Psalm 24 begins, “Who shall ascend into the hill of the LORD or who shall stand in his holy place?  He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart” … it goes on to say…“who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.”  Pride and deception are not becoming of a princess.   If you’re tempted to seek an adventure outside the castle, please don’t.  Confess your restlessness and discontentment and spare yourself the pain of regret.                           

Naomi Ramon K.
Saginaw, Michigan                                                                                                     (Sept.10, 2007)    

Testamony Of Kirk Talley

Internationally Known Gospel Singer

(Click Photo For Kirks Website)

I trusted Christ as my personal savior when I was twelve years old.  I grew up in a small Free Will Baptist Church in rural East Tennessee.  It was the typical small little country church where people loved to sing and have fellowship dinners and vacation Bible School was the big summer attraction. My Dad was the song leader at that church so naturally I was interested in music at an early age.  My older brother and sister and I started singing in a kids trio before I could even read.  My dad taught me to sing first tenor before I learned to read or write!  We would sing at our home church and anywhere we were invited. From the very first concert I attended at the Kingsport, TN Civic Auditorium, I knew I was hooked.  That night I saw the Goodmans, The Inspirations and The Hoppers.  As Connie Hopper walked the footlights and sang from her heart, I knew in my heart, that night, I wanted to be a professional Gospel Singer.  
 
Since I was fifteen years old, I have struggled with same sex attraction.  Growing up in that little country Baptist church, I really had no one to talk to.  I had never heard of such a thing, so naturally it scared me to death.  I wasn't comfortable with telling anyone what I was feeling so I chose to keep it all hidden inside.
 
In my senior year of high school I convinced the most popular girl in the entire school to go out with me.  She was beautiful, popular and came from a great family. I was intrigued with her long before she agreed to go out with me. On that first date, I found her to be so much fun, very easy to talk to, to be around.  I fell in love with her that night.  Even though I knew that I already loved her, I also knew at the same time there were feelings and attractions that I had to overcome.  I tried within myself to push those thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind, and most of the time, I was successful in doing so. Even after graduation, she and I continued to date occasionally.  A few years later, I persuaded her to marry me!  I was so in hopes that the struggle in my life would disappear after I was married, but of course, it did not.
As we started our life together, the feelings of same sex attraction still came to my mind at times. At times it was most difficult to deal with. After about 7 years of marriage, I finally was honest with my wife and told her of my struggle.  We quickly divorced.  I again saw the negative effect that my struggle had on my marriage. . . and my life. 

I was depressed for weeks. I would lay and cry all night long. One night I was reading in the book of James. "The effectual prayer of a righteous man availeth much ." I picked up the phone in the middle of the night and called an evangelist friend of mine, Phil Hoskins. I told him I needed help and I went to see him in the middle of the night. Phil was a youth evangelist at the time and he had never dealt with anything like same sex attraction. He worried about it so much that he became very stressed and distraught that he didn't know how to help me. So it was obvious again that I shouldn't tell anyone.

My sister became aware of my struggle and quickly estranged herself from me and our family. Since that day, I have only seen her twice. She won't come home for Holidays, she wouldn't even come to my parents 50th wedding anniversary celebration because I was there. So once again, there was someone else I couldn't talk to, and when Diane had the knowledge of the problem, there was again negative reactions.

From 1984 to 1993, I traveled and sang with the Talleys, usually very miserable, usually a loner, actually I was removed from most people simply because I was afraid that they would see my struggles and wouldn't like me, and again I was in fear of losing people and things that were close to me.

A few years ago, I discovered the Internet. It seemed like a safe haven, a place to talk to other people just like me who struggled with the same thing. I became interested in the chat rooms because I thought I could chat anonymously. I became online friends with a few of the people that I chatted with. I found myself chatting with them online most nights to pass the time when I was not on the road singing.

I met a few people from the chat room, actually became friends with a few of those people. I have learned that there are many many people who deal with and struggle with the same attractions as I do, people in churches, high ranking government officials, pastors, deacons, doctors, lawyers,. . . . . . . And basically they need someone to talk to that understands. I became a good listener and was sympathetic because I knew of the hurt and disappointment that many of them had been thru.

In 2003, I made online friends with a man who seemed to understand me. Someone online had told him who I was, so he set out to gather information about me and then to extort money from me, while he was making me think he was just wanting to be my friend. He created a lot of different names online in order to gain his information over a period of time. He then started following me from city to city, concert to concert. He would call me after the concerts and tell me what I sang, what I said, who helped me, what I wore, what time I arrived and left, where I stayed, even down to what kind of shoes I was wearing. He demanded money to keep me quiet. Later I found out that he had declared bankruptcy in June of 03 so he was in dire straits for money and he assumed that I would just pay him in order to keep him quiet. I knew that if I paid him the first time, he would be back in a month or two for more. I knew the consequences of going to the authorities, but I took my chances and contacted the FBI. We immediately set up a sting operation and the man was arrested. It was all video taped and recorded. The extortion was definite.

The extortionist's lawyer leaked it to the press and I became front page news. My picture was on the front page along with the entire story. Because extortion is a federal crime, the AP wire picked the story up and newspapers nationwide printed the story. It was all over the Internet, every gay newspaper ran it, most of them, front page with my picture. Naturally I was devastated. My booking agent started getting calls about it, so I started canceling the dates that hadn't already canceled.

Emotionally I shut down. I wanted to die. I begged my best friend to shoot me. I literally wanted to kill myself. My best friend and his wife, took me in and cared for me and made sure I didn't do anything destructive. They spent Christmas Eve at my parents home with me. I stayed with them for weeks. They fed me, gave me valium, made sure I was OK every hour. I am still alive today because of Rick and Buffie Lafollette.

January of 04 was a blur. I wouldn't answer the phone, I wouldn't talk to anyone, I wouldn't go out of my house. I sat and stared at the walls and cried. Daily I would stare out my window into the Smokey Mtns and cry and beg God to just let me die. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. I ventured out to Shoney's one morning with breakfast with some friends from NC that were coming thru the East Tennessee area. As I paid for my breakfast that morning, I got called derogatory names from across the dining room. I vowed that morning to not go out of the house again.

In the first week of February, Phil Hoskins called. He wanted me to come see him in Kingsport. He said he knew someone that could help me this time. I agreed to go. I had been given every ministry available that dealt with this issue but I didn't know any of those, therefore I didn't trust anyone. But I trusted Phil. So I went to Kingsport on Feb 12, 2004 and there I met a counselor from Atlanta. Roy talked to me all afternoon and asked me a lot of general questions and even had me take some written tests to determine my mental frame of mind. Later in the afternoon he began to pray for me.

Roy, Phil, and Shannon (Phil's assistant pastor) laid in the floor with me in an office at Higher Ground Baptist Church and prayed and quoted scripture and invoked the presence of God. Across the hall, there was a room full of women (Deacons wives) praying like I have never heard before. Roy asked me if I wanted help and I said "yes." Roy then took a crucifix out of his brief case and asked me to hold it. He asked me to rub over the body of Christ as I prayed. He wanted me to feel Christ on the cross and actually sense the work of the cross in a personal way. I did that as they prayed and read scriptures. I could sense that Christ died for me and for my sins and for my struggles and failures more than I had ever sensed it before. Roy asked me to lay down in the floor on my stomach and hold that crucifix to my chest. I did that. He asked me to vision myself laying on the body of Christ as Christ was on the cross. I did that. The Holy Spirit began to move in an unusual way in that room. I could feel the arms of Christ wrapping around my body. I could hear Christ saying, "I love you," I am dying for you" I was crying and asking God to be with me. After many minutes of praying, I sensed God take his arms away from me. All of a sudden we were standing up and I heard a clanking sound. I looked down at my feet and there were chains laying around my feet. I saw in my mind, as the Lord kicked those chains away from my feet. I began to walk up this narrow crooked path. The Lord was behind me pushing me, telling me all the time that he was behind me, I was not alone. At the top of the hill, I could see a mountain view that was so clear and peaceful. The most refreshing breeze was blowing across my face. I heard the lord say "I am with you"

As I shared what had happened with the pastors in the room, Roy asked me to roll over onto my back. I was still holding the crucifix, still seeing in my mind what was happening. He began to read the scripture about the living water and how it cleanses! As he read that scripture, he started pouring water on my body. From the souls of my feet to the top of my head, he poured water. When that water hit my mouth, I felt a freedom like I had never felt before. It was as though a pick up truck was lifted off my chest. I was crying and praising God as he was definitely working in my life. The depression and oppression was lifted from me that day.

After that day in February 2004, We formed a 6 member team of pastors who had expressed an interest in helping me and standing with me.  I started intense counseling the next week and was in counseling every week of 2004.  The team of pastors asked me not to sing for at least six months.  I agreed.  I knew that I was in no emotional shape to sing or stand in front of an audience.  During that six month period, they stood with me in the good and the bad, Every time something happened with the court case, they were there for me.  When the extortionist was arraigned, I was front page news again.  Naturally I was depressed and emotional, but those pastors and several great friends were there for me.  When the extortionist finally pled guilty and sentenced to twenty months in federal prison, again I was front page news, and again those pastors and those friends where right there with me.  I am forever grateful for the love and support that I was shown during this emotional time. 
 
I would never want to get on a stage and give anyone who struggles in this area any false hope of a "quick fix."  I still struggle daily with the attraction.  There is a long journey ahead of me.  There are many different ways of looking at this situation.  I have been caught in the global debate regarding the issue.  I have been pulled at from every angle because I was a popular Gospel Singer.  I refuse to get into the argument that is so prevalent in the church today.  My main desire is to walk as close to Christ as I possibly can.  As the old hymn of the Church says, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face.  And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his Glory and Grace.  My desire is to keep focused on the light of Christ and I am trusting him to diminish the darkness. 
 
There are some doors of ministry that have opened for me in the past few months.  I have accepted invitations from churches who wanted to hear my story and wanted my story to minister to folks in their church.  I am thankful that I have the opportunity, once again to sing and share what the Lord has allowed me to experience.  I know all of that happened for a reason.  I used to think that my purpose was to sing and write and entertain church people.  But now I see that my purpose is to sing and write and try to encourage church people who deal with strong issues in their life.  Since I have been traveling and singing again, I have heard thousands of testimonies from church members who struggle with all kinds of things.  Many people have been condemned out of the church because of their struggle. It's my desire to encourage churches to be a place of Grace.  I don't ask churches to condone or tolerate, but to accept people where they are and love them to where they need to be in Christ.  I want to encourage people who deal with strongholds in their life to find some help before they end up like I ended up, wanting my life to be over. 
 
In a strange kind of way, I am thankful that I have been able to walk through this horrible ordeal in my life.  Since I was fifteen, I have prayed for God to free me from same sex attraction.  I always felt like God was saying "No."  I am reminded that Paul had a thorn in the flesh and time after time, he asked God to take it from him.  God's answer was always "My Grace will be sufficient."  I am walking in that Grace daily.  
 
I have no idea what's down the road for me.  I want to be and do what God's says do.  I have no idea what doors will be opened for me, but I plan to walk through them as they are opened.  I am no longer on the Southern Gospel Concert Circuit.  Many leaders in the Southern Gospel Industry believes that I should not be singing again.  Some of those leaders have even gone as far as trying to discourage promoters and pastors from booking me.  But I know that they are not my source.  God is my source and I am seeing that many hurting people can be encouraged to a closer walk with Christ through my testimony of Grace and Forgiveness. 
 
I ask you to pray for me.  I truly want to extend Grace and Mercy to people who are hurting and struggling with strongholds in their life.  
 
Kirk Talley